Hey I just wanted to say..... look over there!... What was I saying?

My family, including  Pre-school, noticed  I was a bit (still am) strange developing.
For one thing, I could never properly annunciate my words eloquently. I stuttered and once in a while I would be missing adverbs in my speech. Also, because of my Mexican heritage, I frequently spoke Spanglish.

But my biggest weakness I had was my ADHD. Or as my friends and I would like to call it, "AD....OOOOH SHINY!"

On the website ADDitude shares "According to the National Institute of Health, ADD affects between 3 to 5 percent of the population in the United States."

I always had trouble paying attention in class because I got lost in my own world.

It was not until I realized that school could be treated as a game that my grades actually started to improve when I entered Middle School.  Being foolish, speaking my mind, and doing  what I could to entertain myself helped me learn more. I figured out that I learned best by audio and by movement. 

Of course, my peers found me weird and extremely annoying!

I didn't care! I had fun. Most of all, books were my favorite companions.

But, as the years progressed, so did my disorder.

Reading a book went from a day, to two, to weeks, and there were points I couldn't even finish a comic book.

The day I couldn't read a book properly or hear the reading voice in my head made me burst into tears.
Worse of all, I could barely handle my classes at UC Berkeley. I could barely get a B in some classes. I felt like and utter failure.

So, I looked for treatment. After a week of annoying test, I finally was diagnosed with ADHD.

Now, the thing that annoyed me was the information that I was given after the testing. I was told that I could not properly read above an 8th grade level. And, it was insult to injury that my doctor was shocked that I actually tested at a much higher level than the majority of population in reasoning skills. Finally, she highly recommended I take medication amongst other treatment.

 Now, for those who actually take pills for their ADD, that is good for them. There is nothing wrong with it. But, I was angered that was the FIRST thing she suggested and I was not given options for other methods until much later.

My body does not handle drugs very well. When I actually tried adderall, I was grounded alright. But, quickly my heart rate went up and I ended up having an anxiety attack. Tears went down my face as told my current house mates/ family about how I really just wanted to be normal sometimes. That it's cause of my hyper activity that makes people not take me so seriously and think me as a child.

Course my dear friend Wolfie explained it's a great quality to not to fit in to what adults think is actually proper. And, reminded me that it is a great thing to think outside the box and that to just be who I am. There are ways to treat it. Besides, I definitely do not read at an 8th grade level or else how would I get into CAL.*

So,  from there I did what I could. I meditated as much I could,  set goals to accomplish every day, do my best to prove that I am not just any dumb kid. If I couldn't read a book, then I could just get the audio and listen. Not to mention, I ended up reading many more comics after this. I definitely was trying to step it up as much as I could.

However, when I came to Berlin, I broke down again because of the extra pressure to get a career and get money from my parents. So many of insecurities came fluttering back and I didn't know how to handle it. I was getting scared to what was going to happen to me since I felt like I didn't go above and beyond in school like my peers in Berkeley.

That's when one my closest friends, Graham Matthias*, gave me a bit of input. He explained how managed to go through the university by just focusing on what his strengths instead of trying to be good at everything.  Which of course, was a major flaw of mine. Then calmed me down by telling me how "Your worries are like shadows and dust."

Granted, I am always going to struggle with this but I am not going to let it defeat me. I already know now that I am good at listening to people and my biggest strength is my love for helping others as best as I can without judgement. When I actually get down to write a poem or story, I have potential.

Now it's just time for me to focus on the roads ahead. 


*CAL= University of California, Berkeley.

*Graham Matthias actually is a very talented musician for some his music samples click here. Furthermore, he does sound and music for Alan T Donohoe's film project, I Have A Bad Feeling About This (really cool if you are a Star Wars fan)